Strong Enough
by GataChica
Summary: Esther has dealt with a lot of heartache during her marriage to Brian, but is she strong enough to handle it when he crosses the line? Warning: domestic violence
1. Chapter 1

Esther has dealt with a lot of heartbreak during her marriage to Brian, but can she stay strong when he crosses the line? Warning: domestic violence.

Sandra Pullman settled down on her sofa, wrapped in a blanket against the chill of a cold, rainy London night, with a glass of white wine beside her on the lamp table. She and her "boys" had spent the week tracking down a serial killer – it had been a gut-gnawing case – but they had caught him, and it was time for some rest and relaxation. Sandra flipped through the TV channels, finally choosing at random an old black and white movie from the 1940s. Soon she was immersed in the story.

The doorbell rang, and Sandra started. 'Oh, God, not another case,' she thought. 'Not tonight.'

The bell rang again just as she reached the door and opened it. To her great surprise, Esther Lane was on her doorstep, standing in the pouring rain wearing only her pajamas and shoes. She didn't have a hat, coat, or even a bag, just her keys in her left hand and the other hand shielding her face.

"Esther! For heaven's sake, come in out of the rain! Is something wrong?" Esther didn't answer, but as soon as she lowered her hand and Sandra saw her face in the brighter light of the hallway, she knew. "Bloody hell," she murmured, her eyes wide. "Let's get you out of those soaked clothes."

Esther barely nodded, following Sandra to the downstairs bathroom. "There're towels in there, get dried off and I'll bring you something to wear." As Esther closed the bathroom door, Sandra ran upstairs and looked for something that the smaller woman could wear without looking like a circus clown. Finally, she found some sweatpants with a drawstring and the smallest t-shirt she had, as well as a dressing gown with a belt. She handed them in to Esther, then took an icepack out of the freezer.

'Christ, they already look worse,' she thought when Esther had sat down beside her on the sofa. Esther had wiped off the blood running from the lacerations on her forehead, around her right eye, and on her lip, making the developing bruises stand out even more.

Sandra gave Esther the icepack and cut straight to the chase. "Did he come home drunk?"

"Yes. He was making a lot of noise and he woke me up." She almost whispered it, looking ashamed.

"Then what happened?" Esther hesitated, so Sandra placed a hand on her arm for support, but when Esther winced, she knew there must be more bruises than the ones she could see. She felt sick when she pulled up the sleeve of the dressing gown and saw a clear imprint of Brian's fingers. "Has this ever happened before, Esther?"

"No, never. Not even when he was drinking the most. I don't know what I did this time to –" her voice broke, and she looked down quickly, but Sandra saw the tears in her eyes, as well as the hurt and the fear.

She put her arm around Esther's shoulders. "It's okay," she murmured. "You can cry, it's an awful thing to happen and it wasn't your fault."

"But I was scolding him for drinking, and I don't think I should have – I need to be more understanding –"

"Listen to me, Esther." Sandra tried to get the other woman to look her in the eye, finally resorting to gentle pressure on her left cheek to turn her gaze. "It's not your fault. No one deserves this kind of treatment, and you certainly don't. You've suffered with Brian long enough. This time he's crossed the line. This time he'll have to face the consequences. How did all this happen?"

"He – he –" Her voice wavered, but she managed to regain control. "He came home with more drink even though he was already staggering. I yelled at him and – and he cursed at me. He hit me with a liquor bottle – it broke. That's how I got these cuts."

Sandra gasped. "He could've had your eye out! How does your head feel? Do you need to go to hospital?"

"No, it's all right. I didn't pass out or anything, but I was frightened out of my mind. I tried to run out of the room and he grabbed my arm, hard. Then he punched me in the jaw. He fell over in the process and I took the opportunity to run. I only stopped to get my car keys, I didn't care if I had anything else. I just wanted to get away from him."

"That's horrible," Sandra sympathized, taking Esther's hand in hers. Then she reached across to the other side of the coffee table and picked up her mobile phone. "I'd like to take some pictures."

"No, please don't –"

"Esther, believe me, it's important to have pictures. He probably won't remember what happened, and if we don't show him proof, he won't believe us. We can't go confront him now-" Sandra didn't miss the way Esther stiffened, or the look of fear on her face.

"No, he was passed out by the time I left."

"Then he definitely won't remember. Please?"

Esther hesitated, then nodded her head. She sat very still while Sandra took several pictures of the lacerations and bruises on her face and arm.

Then she stood. "I have to make some phone calls, but I'll be right back." As she was walking into the kitchen, Esther asked nervously, "Who are you calling?"

"Jack and Gerry."

Gerry was watching a football game when his mobile sounded. It was from Sandra, a text message with an attachment, and he noticed that Jack had received it as well. He opened the text first. "Come over right away." Gerry was perplexed; if it were a case, Sandra would have called rather than texted. Then he opened the attachment and understood. He quickly collected his wet weather gear and headed for Sandra's house.

Jack was just getting out of his car when Gerry drove up. He looked grim. "I guess you saw the photo?"

"Yeah, it's terrible. I would never have guessed Brian would hurt Esther, no matter how pished he was."

Jack rang the doorbell, and the door was opened almost immediately. "Shh," Sandra whispered, "She's asleep on the sofa. Let's go in the kitchen."


	2. Chapter 2

Strong Enough Part 2

Author's note: Esther has dealt with a lot of heartbreak during her marriage to Brian, but can she stay strong when he crosses the line? Warning: domestic violence.

"What're we gonna do about this?" Gerry asked after they had taken off their wet garments and sat down with their drinks in Sandra's kitchen.

"Well, we have two choices," said Jack. "We can deal with it officially – arrest him – or take care of it ourselves."

"And how do we do that? I think that maybe he _needs_ a touch of official," Gerry said.

"But look how he's acted before," Sandra said. "I don't think he'd take it very well."

"Tough," said Gerry. "If it were anyone else, we'd send him to prison. Why should _he_ get any favors?" He was clearly very angry at Brian, and Sandra guessed that it would be best not to let him be alone with their colleague for awhile.

"A first offense doesn't get prison, Gerry, you know that," said Jack.

"How do we know it's his first offense?"

"We have to go by what Esther says," Sandra told them. "I did ask. She said he'd never hurt her before."

"You mean not physically."

"Yes," Sandra said. She looked around. "I miss the white board – I feel frustrated trying to make a decision without it.

"Have you got any paper? It's better than nothing," Jack said.

She found some sheets of unlined paper and pens. "Each of us will write down a proposal and our reasons, then we'll talk and try to reach a consensus."

For about ten minutes there was silence, then one by one, each stopped writing.

"Okay, you first, Gerry."

"You already know what I think. Arrest him, put him in jail. If necessary, take it to court. He'll probably get probation, but at least he'll know that a second offense will get him time. He needs to understand how serious this is."

"Jack?"

"I think we should confront him ourselves and let him know that if it happens again, we won't spare him. I just don't want to see him go completely off the deep end again."

"What do you think, Sandra?" asked Gerry.

"Hm." She looked at her paper but continued to think for a few minutes. "I think we should go with Jack's plan." Gerry groaned. "I agree with you Gerry, but I don't know if he can take it."

"What if he does it again? What if he _kills_ her next time, whether on purpose or accidentally?"

"That's why I'm going to insist on a period of separation."

Jack snorted. "Separation! Brian can't take care of himself alone. When Esther's gone, he doesn't know what to do. How is that going to work?"

"He's going to stay with you two. One at a time."  
"Now wait a minute guv, I don't agree with this –" Gerry started to say.

"Too bad, Gerry, it's not fair to inflict Brian on Jack the whole time."

"It is so, he's the one who doesn't want Brian to be in jail. That would be the way to take care of him so that we don't have to."

"What about Esther?" asked Jack. "What if he goes off on a bender and attacks her at home?"

"She'll stay with me, if she's willing."

"I'm willing," came a voice from the sitting room. They turned and saw Esther sitting on the sofa, gingerly touching her swelling jaw. "Thank you all. I really don't want Brian to go to jail. Not now."

"What if he does it again?" Gerry asked.

"Then I agree, he deserves to be locked up. But please, give him one more chance."

The UCOS members agreed, even though Gerry was still grumbling.

After Jack and Gerry left, Sandra said, "Esther, do you want to go back to sleep? I can open out the sofa bed for you and go upstairs."

"Actually," Esther began, "I know this probably isn't appropriate, and if you don't agree just say so..." Her voice trailed off.

"It never hurts to ask."

"Well – I don't really feel safe down here by myself," Esther said, refusing to meet Sandra's gaze.

It was only then that Sandra realized just how traumatized Esther was by the incident. "Would you feel better," she asked slowly, "if you slept upstairs with me?"

"Yes, oh yes. Would that be all right with you?"

"Certainly. No problem." Sandra yawned widely. "I'm feeling tired myself." She led the way up the stairs to her bedroom, then took out extra pillows and placed them on one side of the king size bed. "Is there anything I can get you?"

"No, thank you." Esther took off the dressing gown, folded it carefully at the foot of the bed, and lay down. Within moments she was asleep again.

In the early hours of the morning, Sandra woke to the sound of muffled sobs coming from the other side of the bed. For a moment she was confused, wondering why there was someone else in her bed. Then she remembered.

She reached across and touched Esther on the shoulder. "Come here," she said gently. "I know it hurts. But you're safe now."

Esther turned towards her, sniffling, and Sandra handed her a tissue. When Esther was finished with it, Sandra wrapped one arm around her friend's waist and pulled her closer to comfort her. She moved over on her pillow so there would be room for Esther, but the other woman moved even closer and put her head on Sandra's shoulder, clinging to her and crying.

Sandra said soothingly, "You're all right now. We're going to keep you safe, okay?" She stroked Esther's hair, and was pleased when the sobs slowed, and the tears stopped flowing.

"Better now?"

There was no answer, and after awhile, she realized that Esther had fallen asleep. Sandra didn't want to move her, in case she woke up afraid again, so she gradually relaxed her muscles and fell asleep herself.

A/N: How will Brian react in the morning? More to come soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Esther has dealt with a lot of heartache during her marriage to Brian, but can she stay strong when he crosses the line? Warning: domestic violence.

Brian was awakened the next morning by loud pounding at the door and Scruffy barking in his ear. The noise just reinforced the incessant throbbing in his head. He started to sit and realized that he was lying on the kitchen floor. There was glass and liquid all around him. "Scruffy, you bloody dog, shut the hell up." After a few tries, he was able to sit up. "Esther?" he called. "Esther, get the door, will you?" Getting no answer, he wearily went to the door himself.

Jack and Gerry were standing there and both of them looked ready to kill him.

"What?" he asked, surprised.

They pushed past him and went into the sitting room. "You've really done it this time, Brian," Jack said, showing him the picture of Esther.

Brian's eyes widened. "What d'ya mean, 'I've done it'? What happened to her? Where is she?" he asked.

" _You_ happened to her, you nut job," replied Gerry. "What pub were you at last night? Or was it more than one?"

"What are you on about? I didn't do –" Brian began.

"Sit down, Brian," said Jack.

"No, I won't, ya have to tell me –"

"I said SIT DOWN."

Brian sat.

"Now. Where were you drinking last night?"

"Nowhere."

"You're lying," said Gerry, "and we know it. You came home pissed and you punched Esther in the face. You hit her with a bloody bottle, for Christ's sake. Now start telling the truth, or I will arrest you personally and march you to the nearest station right now."

Brian's face had gone pale. "No," he said, shaking his head. "No, it wasn't me. It must have been someone else."

"Are you trying to tell me that Esther's lying?" Jack demanded. "Why would she do that? She loves you – though God only knows why."

"Yeah," Gerry agreed. "You certainly don't deserve it."

"Stop it! Stop it!" Brian cried. "I didn't do it." He fell to his knees and buried his head in his hands, sobbing. Jack repressed the urge to pat him on the shoulder.

Finally, the sobbing stopped. "I did go to the pub last night," he admitted. "First the one we usually go to, then my old local, the Alsatian. I don't remember leaving there or getting home either. It's true, I was bloody pissed."

"Why were you drinking in the first place?" asked Jack.

"I don't know. The case, I guess. I had all this pent-up energy inside me and it had to go somewhere, y' know? I guess I chose the wrong place for it to go."

"I'll say," commented Gerry.

Brian glanced at them and looked down. "Is Esther in hospital?"  
"No," said Jack. "It wasn't that bad. But it could have been. She could have lost her eye."

"Where is she? I want to talk to her."

Gerry quickly said, "You can't see her for awhile."

"What? Who the hell are you to tell me I can't see me wife?"

"We're just your friends," Jack replied. "But Sandra's your guvnor. It's her decision that you and Esther need a period of separation. In the meantime, you will stay with one of us. If you violate this, Brian, you will go to jail. And you're going back to AA. No more drinking, period."

Brian nodded and said, "Yeah, okay."

When Sandra woke again, the sun was shining brightly and there was the promise of a beautiful day. She was alone in the bed and the dressing gown she had given Esther was gone. She could hear a bit of noise from downstairs, so she was fairly sure where her friend was.

"Good morning, Esther," she said as she entered the kitchen. "How are you feeling this morning?"

She noticed the other woman flinch when she spoke. Esther was sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea and eating toast. "I hope you don't mind, I made some toast – I didn't want to disturb you."

"Of course, I don't mind, I should have told you to make yourself at home." She poured herself a cup of tea and sat down, trying not to react to the garish bruises that were so prominent in the light of day.

But Esther wasn't fooled. "They look awful, don't they?" she whispered.

"They _are_ awful. And they definitely shouldn't be there."

"Have you heard anything about Brian? Is he all right?"

"I don't know, but Jack and Gerry were going 'round this morning; I can check with them." She dialed Jack's number. "Hey Jack? Sandra. Have you seen Brian this morning?"

"Yeah, we went by and did the police routine. Warned him, told him he couldn't see Esther until further notice."

"Good. Where is he now?"

"He's at Gerry's. I'm getting breakfast for the three of us."

"Keep me posted." She switched off her phone and sighed. "He's all right. They're going to take turns looking after him. You're not to worry about him." She hesitated for a moment, then said, "Esther, how do you feel about seeing a therapist?"

"I – I don't know. Why, do you think I should?"

"Yes, I do. This has been very traumatic for you, and besides that, Brian has been a thorn in your side for a very long time."

Esther sighed. "For as long as I've known him, actually."

"There, you see? I've been involved in a lot of cases of domestic violence and I've noticed that the victim tends to be left out, because everyone is worried about catching the perpetrator. Not that that isn't important, but the victim needs help too. She – or he – needs help healing. What do you think?"

"If I do, will the therapist report it?"

"Not if I talk to them first. I'll have to do a bit of checking, find a good therapist for you."

"What about yours?"

"I don't think mine would be the best for you," Sandra said slowly. "She tends to be very confrontational. However, if you want to try it, I can call her."

"I would like to try. Could you come with me the first time?"

Sandra was touched and saddened by Esther's lack of confidence and the fear she was obviously feeling. "Of course," she agreed, taking Esther's hand.

"Thank you, Sandra."

For the next two weeks, they settled into a routine. Jack and Gerry shared the care of Brian, taking him to daily AA meetings and making sure he took his medication. Sandra, in her turn, looked after Esther. The older woman kept herself busy around the house, cooking dinner for them almost every night and cleaning even those areas that didn't technically _need_ to be cleaned.

During the day, she seemed unruffled and confident, but when night came, she became jumpy and was unable to sleep alone. Every night, she asked to sleep with Sandra, and every night, she cried just like the first time.

They went to see Sandra's therapist on Wednesday following the first incident, and after a fairly brief period of reticence, Esther began to talk in earnest about what it was like being married to Brian. After the second visit (she was scheduled for three a week), she was able to go in without Sandra.

-tbc-


	4. Chapter 4

Strong Enough Part 4

A/N: Esther has dealt with a lot of heartbreak during her marriage to Brian, but can she stay strong when he crosses the line? Warning: domestic violence.

Two weeks later, Sandra stepped out of her office to ask Brian a question, and suddenly realized she didn't see him anywhere. "Guys, where's Brian?"

Gerry and Jack looked around. "He's gone to the loo – I hope," said Jack.

"I have a very bad feeling about this," Sandra said, jumping up from her desk. She grabbed her bag and headed for the door. "Call me if you find him. I'm going to check on Esther." She took out her phone and dialed Esther's mobile, but there was no answer. 'Maybe she's outside,' Sandra thought. Esther had mentioned something the day before about weeding the back garden. 'Why didn't I tell her not to do it till I was home? I'm an idiot sometimes.' She drove fast, wondering if she should put on her flashing lights. Police business – she could tell them that if she got stopped, but the idea was not to get stopped in the first place.

Fortunately, she made it to her home quickly and jumped out of the car. She was almost to the gate when she heard a scream.

She yanked the gate open and ran into the garden. Brian was holding Esther tightly and shaking her while she tried to squirm out of his grasp. When she finally broke free, he grabbed her left arm and jerked, tried to pull her back to him. Esther screamed again. Brian let go, startled, and she fell to the ground, hitting her head on the bricks around the flower bed. He was bending down when Sandra reached him. After a struggle, she managed to twist one of his arms behind him, moving him away from Esther. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Brian?" Sandra hissed. "I told you to stay away from her! I'm arresting you this time. We gave you a chance, and you failed."

"But Sandra –" he began.

"Don't 'but Sandra' me, you piece of shit," she snarled. "I saw what you were doing, it's assault, and you're going to jail."

Just then, two PCs ran into the yard. "We were called for backup, Superintendent," one of them said.

"Cuff him and take him in. He's being charged with assault."

Sandra ran back to Esther, who was lying on the ground in a fetal position. "Are you all right, Esther?" There was no answer. "Esther, talk to me, please." But the other woman just lay there, staring into the distance. Sandra called for an ambulance; whilst they waited, she tried to comfort her friend without moving her, to avoid doing anymore damage.

When the ambulance came, she took the opportunity to phone Jack and tell him what had happened. "Do you want to ride in the ambulance, Superintendent?" asked one of the medical personnel.

"No, I'll follow. What hospital?"

"Tommy's."

"Thanks. Did you hear that, Jack?"

"Yeah, we'll be right there."

"Right where?" Sandra heard Strickland's voice in the background.

"Oh, bollocks," she said under her breath.

"Um, Esther's had an accident," Jack began.

But Strickland interrupted, "From what I understand, it was no accident. Where is Sandra?"

"Put him on," she snapped. The situation was rapidly falling apart around her ears.

"Sandra?" her boss asked.

"Sir, Brian attacked Esther. He's been arrested. They're taking her to St. Thomas' A & E. I don't have time to talk further, I need to go."

"I'll join you as well. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Jack," she added, but the line was already closed.

"How is she?" Gerry asked as he, Jack, and Strickland joined Sandra in the St. Thomas' A & E.

"I haven't had a report yet –"

Just then a young woman came out through the double doors and called, "Sandra Pullman?"

"That's me."

"I'm Doctor Williamson. You are here with Esther Lane?"

"We all are; how is she doing?" Strickland asked.

"Fortunately, we found no damage to her spine or skull. She had minor upper abdominal bleeding which seems to have resolved, and there may be minor damage to her kidneys, along with a twisted ankle and a dislocated shoulder. We had some difficulty getting the shoulder back into place; I'm afraid she's going to be in a lot of pain. She's well sedated. By the way, we also noticed a previous hairline fracture of the mandible. Am I correct that this was all the result of domestic violence?"

Sandra nodded and flashed her warrant card. "Yes, and we'll need copies of your reports."

"Of course." The doctor turned.

"Wait, doctor – can we see her?" Sandra asked.

"Yes, but just one of you at a time, and not until we have moved her upstairs. That will be the fourth floor; you can go up there and wait."

"I'll be the one to visit her for now. Sir, we'll need some time to get this nightmare sorted out."

Strickland nodded. "Just keep me advised."

"We'll take care of the charges against Brian," Jack volunteered.

"Yeah, we'll send someone up here to take your testimony," said Gerry.

"Thanks, boys. I'm not leaving her again unless I absolutely have to." Sandra sighed; she was feeling horribly guilty for letting Brian out of her sight and allowing Esther to get hurt again after promising to keep her safe.

Jack put a hand on her shoulder. "It wasn't just you," he said gently. "We all failed her."

Sandra went to the fourth floor and waited until Esther was rolled into a room. She was propped up in the bed with her left arm in a sling. Her eyes were closed like she was asleep, but occasionally, she moaned softly, and Sandra wondered if she had received enough pain medication. She sat next to Esther and held her hand, wanting to be there when she woke, even though she knew it might take some time.

A little after three a.m., more than twelve hours later, Esther began to stir. Sandra had been sleeping slumped in the chair, but she woke immediately.

"Esther?" she said softly.

Esther opened first one eye and then the other, gazing around without comprehension. Then she saw Sandra.

"San-Sandra," she murmured.

"Shh, you don't have to talk," Sandra said, pulling her chair closer.

"Mmm... I... I want to," she said, in a voice that was weak but determined.

"Take your time."

"Brian... where's Brian?" There was a slight note of fear.

"He's in jail, he can't hurt you now."

"Oh, dear," Esther murmured, her eyes closing again. Sandra thought she had gone back to sleep, but she opened her eyes a few moments later and said, "Thank you, Sandra."


	5. Chapter 5

Strong Enough part 5

Esther has dealt with a lot of heartbreak during her marriage to Brian, but can she stay strong when he crosses the line? Warning: domestic violence.

Brian was in utter despair. The reason he wanted to talk to Esther in the first place was to beg her to go back home with him – in spite of Jack and Gerry, he was lonely, and he wanted his wife back. He felt he couldn't live without her, and he wanted to assure her that nothing like that would ever happen again. But when he found her in Sandra's back garden, she was so clearly afraid of him that something snapped, turning his fear of losing her into rage.

Now things were even worse. He was in jail and the people he considered his friends had put him there. He knew he deserved it, but that didn't make it any easier. His stomach ached with pangs of remorse mixed with anger, and his thoughts were churning as he wondered what he was going to do. In spite of what he'd done, he knew that he loved Esther. That wasn't the problem.

The problem was his mental illness, he realized yet again. Why did he have to recognize this over and over? Why didn't it stick? He really did want to change, but he didn't know how. He had been taking his meds properly; why weren't they working?

He heard the rattle of keys and the door to his cell opened. "Brian Lane?" He nodded. "You have an appointment with the psychiatrist."

Sandra woke again several hours later to the sound of voices that were only murmurs at first. She opened her eyes and saw Mark, Brian and Esther's son, sitting on the other side of the bed.

"Mom, this is outrageous. It was bad enough before when he was just an absent father and a neglectful husband, but to do this –" Sandra could hear the catch in his voice. "Well, I just don't think I can forgive him, and I don't see how you can either."

"I know," Esther replied. "Actually, I'm not sure that I can. I don't know if I will ever feel safe around him again. That's the worst part. I don't understand what caused him to do this when he never did anything like it before."

Sandra sat up straight in her chair. "Yeah, that's the question," she agreed. "Hello, Mark."

"Sandra," he acknowledged. "Now that you're awake, can I have a word with you? Outside."

"Sure." Sandra turned to Esther. "We'll be just outside the door." Esther nodded, though there was a flash of fear that went across her face.

As soon as they passed through the door, Mark exploded. "What the hell were you thinking? If you had done the right thing to begin with, my mother wouldn't be in that room and in pain. For Christ's sake, why didn't you arrest him the first time?"

Sandra was careful to keep her voice calm and low. "You're right, we should have," she admitted, "and I feel extremely guilty about it. We hoped that it was just a one-time occurrence, and that as long as he didn't drink it would never happen again. We were obviously wrong."

"You certainly were. And I guess I was too. I should have known my dad would eventually do this. There's just too much craziness in him, between the alcohol and the mental illness, it makes him too unpredictable. Maybe I should have tried to get her away from him a long time before now." He sighed and shook his head.

"Mark, you haven't failed her, we did. Especially me."

"Why didn't you contact me in the first place?" he demanded. "I had to wait until she was in hospital to learn about it."

"She didn't want us to call you."

"You should've anyway."

"Maybe so. But you're here now, so you should spend your time with her. Do you have anything else you want to talk about?"

"No, I suppose not."

They had just gone back into the room when Esther's eyes glazed over, and she began to shake.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Mark ran to her and tried to hold her hand.

"She's having a seizure - I'll get a nurse." Sandra came back quickly with a nurse in tow. By this time Esther's lips were turning blue because she wasn't breathing. The first nurse checked her blood pressure and pulse, and another came in to give medication through her IV. The seizure quickly subsided, and she began to breathe again.

"What did you give her?" Mark asked.

"Lorazepam. Just let her rest now," the nurse said. "Don't try to wake her or talk to her. I'm going to call her doctor, then we'll set her up with an EEG for monitoring."

"According to your wife, this is only the second time you've been violent towards her, and the first time you were intoxicated. Is that true?" The psychiatrist, Sally Vogel, was a middle-aged woman with a matter-of-fact air.

Brian nodded. "As far as I know it is. I used to get pissed all the time, and I didn't remember things, so I can't be certain. But I don't think Esther would lie about it." He looked at the floor. "She's afraid of me now."

"Are you really surprised, Brian?"

"No." His voice was full of shame, and he could feel tears forming in his eyes.

"Do you have any idea why you assaulted Esther even though you were sober?" Sally asked.

"I don't understand at all. I wanted her to come home, but when I saw the terror on her face – well, something in me just broke and all I could feel was the rage taking over me whole body. Why would that happen? I haven't stopped me pills."

"Have you stopped them in the past?"

"Yeah, and I got bloody paranoid, too. Started going off on conspiracies and such. This is different."

"Well Brian, it's possible that your medications have stopped working. That does happen, you know." She pulled up his file on her computer. "I see that you are taking two antidepressants, an antipsychotic, and an antianxiety drug. Is that right?"

He nodded.

"I think it's best not to make too many changes at once. I'd like you to start taking Tegretol, which has been useful for others here who have violence issues. It's a mood stabilizer. How do you feel about that?"

Brian looked up, surprised. "Have I a choice?"

"Of course; just because you're incarcerated doesn't mean you've lost all your rights. We still need your consent for drugs unless a judge decides otherwise."

"All right, I'll try it." Sally handed him a consent form and Brian signed it.

"Is that it?" he asked.

"There's something else I'd like to discuss with you," she said. "We've developed a new treatment program for men and women who have domestic violence problems along with other psychiatric issues such as substance abuse, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc. The pilot program treats both the offender and his or her partner, so your wife would need to consent also. It's a three-month treatment. Are you interested?"

"I'm interested in anything that might stop me from doing this," Brian said fervently.

"All right then. Here's the protocol, you can take them with you to read. If you decide you want to participate, fill out these forms and bring them next time. I will see you again in a few days."

Brian took the papers and was escorted from the office. He was beginning to feel just a tiny bit better. The doctor hadn't condemned him. She thought a new drug might help. And she had offered him a treatment.

There was hope.

Dr. Reid pointed to an area on an MRI of Esther's brain. "This area shows the subdural hematoma," he said. "It's small at this point, but it's enough to produce irritation in the brain tissue. That was what caused the seizure."

"Why didn't you notice this in the first place?" Mark asked.

"Sometimes, if the tear in the blood vessel is small, it can take several hours or even days for the effects to show. That's probably why it isn't visible on the CT scan from yesterday."

"So what happens next?" Sandra asked impatiently. "Can you do anything about it?"

"A procedure called a burr hole can be done to let the blood drain and relieve pressure. We recommend this procedure for Mrs. Lane since she's having symptoms. We'll need your consent, sir."

"Wait a minute, a burr hole? Do you mean you want to drill a hole in her head?" asked Sandra.

"Yes," the doctor said impassively.

"Isn't that dangerous by itself?" Mark demanded. "Could the bleeding stop on its own?"

"Perhaps, but we don't know when that might happen. As more blood builds up, the pressure increases, potentially causing additional damage which could be permanent. Ninety percent of people who have this procedure have no permanent symptoms of brain injury afterwards."

"What is the risk of death?" Sandra asked.

"It's low for this procedure as long as the patient's vital signs are well-controlled." Dr. Reid pause, then continued, "We will need a decision fairly soon, Mr. Lane."

Mark looked at Sandra with panic in his eyes. She gave a tiny nod. "All right, I'll give permission."


	6. Chapter 6

Strong Enough part 6

Two days later, Brian was taken out of his cell and told he had visitors. It was the first time anyone had come to see him, and as he expected, it was Jack and Gerry he saw when he entered the visitation room.

"How is Esther?" Brian asked before the other two could speak. "How badly did I hurt her?"

Jack glanced at Gerry, who nodded. "It could have been worse. She's in hospital with a dislocated shoulder and a hole in her skull," Jack said.

"What?" Brian's eyes were wide. "A hole? Why?"

"When she hit her head, it caused a bruise on her brain. She started having seizures," said Gerry. "They had to drill a hole to get the blood out."

"Oh, no," said Brian, wringing his hands. "This is awful."

"You're right, it is," Jack agreed.

"Well, it's not going to happen again."

"Why should we believe you, Brian?" Jack asked.

"Because I'm doin' everything I can to change meself. I'm taking a new medication. If Esther agrees – and she's well enough - we can get into a new treatment program. And I'm readin' books. Can you get me some more? I have a list." He pulled a piece of paper out of his shirt pocket. "These are the ones my psychiatrist recommended. Bibliotherapy, you know."

Jack took the list. "I see you've already marked off two of them."

"Well, I don't have anything else to do, and the psychiatrist let me borrow them. She also gave me a notebook to write in since computers aren't allowed."

"I guess that's good, anyway," said Gerry. "I think we can get the rest for you."

"The other thing is practicing, but Dr. Vogel says we'll do that in treatment. Even if I can't get in the pilot program, I'll be in group therapy."

"You seem very motivated, Brian," observed Jack.

"Not half. I can't do without Esther," Brian said simply.

Esther's test results showed that the bleeding had stopped, so the drain was removed, and her scalp was sewn up. She was still woozy from the anesthesia when Sandra returned from going home to grab some clean clothes and other necessities.

"How are you doing?" Sandra asked as she walked in.

"Um... sunsets and pineapple," Esther murmured.

"What?"

"She's under the influence, you might say," said the nurse with a smile as he took Esther's vital signs. "She'll be more lucid soon."

Sandra picked up a stack of papers sitting on the bedside cabinet. They were the consent forms and information for the pilot treatment program, and she glanced through them quickly looking for the date that the program began. She knew that Esther wanted to participate, it was merely a matter of whether she would be well in time. Finally, she found the dat - there would be almost three weeks before it began, and she sighed with relief. The doctors said Esther would be healed long before then.

"What's that?" Esther asked drowsily, her eyes rolling unsteadily in Sandra's general direction.

"The information for the pilot program. It starts in, let me see, 19 days. Almost three weeks, so you have plenty of time."

"That's good," Esther said.

At that moment, there was a knock on the doorframe and Gerry and Jack walked in.

"Hello, boys. She's a bit loopy right now," Sandra said.

"No, I am _not_ loony," Esther said with an attempt at dignity, her eyes half closed.

The others laughed. "Glad to hear that," said Gerry. "One loony is enough."

"Brian? How is he?" Esther asked.

"He seems to be doing very well, considering," Jack reported. "He's taking a new medication and doing a lot of reading – he called it bibliotherapy. He gave us a list of books he wants."

"Well, that's promising," Sandra said. "Did he seem obsessive about it?"

"Rather," said Gerry, "but maybe it's not so bad when it comes to this."

"He really wants you back, Esther. He's trying very hard," Jack told her.

"He'd better be," Sandra muttered, "or else I'm not returning her."

Three weeks later, Brian was sitting in a semi-circle of chairs along with nine other people who had similar issues. One of the two therapists was standing at the whiteboard in front of the group.

"As you can see, we respond to our environment with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Thoughts give meaning to the environment. For example, if you look out the window and see dark clouds, then take your umbrella when you leave your house, what was your thought?"

"It might rain," one of the men said.

"Right. Now the problem is that we often don't even notice our thoughts, we go immediately to feelings and behaviors. If someone looks at me a certain way, and I feel fear, was I thinking that the person looks friendly? No."

"So you're saying that when I feel anger, it's because of my thoughts?" Brian asked. In his readings, he had already grasped the concepts of cognitive-behavioral therapy; now he just had to apply them.

"Right. Can you name a thought you might have about your wife that would make you angry?"

"Well, maybe I think she doesn't care about me."

"Okay, we'll go with that. Does anyone else have an example of a thought that would make them angry with their partner?"

No one spoke up.

"Mr. Lane, do you mind being our guinea pig? I'd like to take you through the process of thought-stopping."

"Go ahead. I want to learn."

"Great. First, let's talk about why that thought might be wrong..."

At the same time, Esther was sitting at a table for an art therapy group. "I'd like you to make a picture about what makes you feel good as a person," the therapist said. "You can use any of these materials to collage, draw, paint, or whatever. In thirty minutes we will stop and discuss your pictures."

Esther thought for a full ten minutes before she began her picture. When the therapist called out "Stop" twenty minutes later, she said, "No, please, not yet."

"You can go last, Esther," the therapist told her.

She completed her drawing while listening to the other group members. Some of them had very little on their pictures, showing that they didn't feel very good about anything. Finally, it was Esther's turn.

"I've drawn a picture of my husband as he is when he's taking his medication, not drinking, and not being overly obsessive," she said. "When he's like that, I feel good about myself. I also feel good about my cooking and gardening."

"You've made a very detailed picture," the therapist said. "Do you mind getting comments from others?"

Esther shook her head.

One young woman spoke up immediately. "So if your husband's having problems you don't feel good about yourself?"

Esther stared at her. "Well, I – I suppose not."

"That sounds like a problem to me," the girl continued. "I know because I'm the same way. When he jacks up, I feel it's my fault. I must have done something wrong."

"What do you think?" the therapist asked Esther.

She couldn't speak, she just shook her head. Esther was stunned that she could have missed such an obvious and fundamental point about her relationship with Brian.


	7. Chapter 7

Strong Enough Part 7

The treatment program had reached its last two weeks, during which the two groups were brought together. When Brian asked if she was still afraid of him, Esther admitted that she still felt a little insecure.

"But I don't feel so frightened that I can't be around you," she added. "I know you've worked hard and I believe that you can cope with any anger you might feel."

"I think so too," Brian said.

"Let's get started," the therapist said. "I'd like you to think back over your relationship. Can you pinpoint an event that started the trouble? Let's take ten minutes to discuss this question as couples, then we'll return to sharing."

Brian and Esther looked at each other. "What do you think, Brian?" she asked, puzzled.

"I think I know, love," he said with a catch in his voice, "and if you think a moment, you'll know too."

Esther stared at him for a long moment, then she gave a little gasp and tears formed in her eyes. Brian moved his chair closer so he could put his arm around her. He looked up and saw one of the therapists watching him. She nodded, giving her approval of his actions.

Esther buried her head in his shoulder as she cried, and he felt tears running down his face as well.

"I never cried for her, love," he murmured. "I just couldn't bear it. So I left you to bear it alone."

The ten minutes were soon up, and Esther managed to stop the tears, but she stayed nestled against her husband.

"Who wants to go first?" the therapist asked.

No one volunteered, so finally Brian said, "We will." Esther kept her eyes down as he told their story. "Our problems started a long time ago, when we were young. We had two wonderful children, a handsome little boy named Mark and a beautiful little girl named Elaine. One day, the children were playing out in the back garden and Elaine picked some flowers. She was only three - she didn't know they were poisonous."

"I looked away for two minutes - I didn't notice she was eating them," Esther wept. "We shouldn't have had them in our garden at all."

"I didn't notice either, love, so don't blame yourself," Brian said. "Mark ran up to me and said, 'Elaine's sick.' We found her lying in the flower bed. She wasn't breathing. I – I tried to save her, gave her artificial respiration and called for help, but it was too late. She was gone."

"We had the funeral, but we never talked about how we felt," Esther said. "I put away her baby book and all the photos with her in them. I couldn't bear to be reminded of her."

"I became a workaholic because whenever I was at home there was the danger that I would remember," Brian explained. "Later I started drinking. Basically, I abandoned me wife and child, emotionally at least."

Brian and Esther held each other close as the rest of the group looked on. When they separated, the therapist said, "That was a real breakthrough for you, wasn't it?"

Both nodded.

She looked at the other group members. "We may not all have deaths in the family, but most people can find the turning points in their lives. That's all we have time for today, but tomorrow I'd like the rest of you to talk about your own turning points."

That evening, when Esther went back to Sandra's house, it was clear that something had happened. When Sandra saw the tear stains on Esther's face, she was immediately worried. "What did he do?" she demanded. "Did he do or say something that hurt you?"

"No," Esther said, putting away her handbag and taking off her sweater. "It's just that –" She sat on the couch and buried her face in her hands.

Sandra sat beside her. "What? What did Brian do, Esther?" She had been apprehensive about the two of them being together again even with therapists and guards around.

Esther explained about their daughter's death. She tried to keep from crying, but by the end she was sobbing uncontrollably.

"I am so sorry," Sandra said, putting one arm around her friend. "I'm really, really sorry."

When she was finally able to stop crying, Esther said, "They told us that it will take some time to grieve – that it will seem as if it just happened – and I think they were right." She looked up at Sandra. "Would you mind taking me to my house? I'd like to show you Elaine's baby book."

"Yes, I'd be glad to," Sandra said. "I would really like to see it."

A fortnight later, with the treatment program over, Brian was released and Gerry cooked dinner for them all – including Mark - to celebrate. Sandra smiled as she watched Brian and Esther interacting. She could see the renewed love and caring between them, saw that Brian was more attentive and tender with Esther than he had ever been before.

Still, at one point during the evening she said, "Esther, can I have a word?"

They went into Gerry's kitchen, and Esther said, "I know what you're going to say."

"And?"

"If anything else ever happens, you'll be the first to know."

"Good."

"I really appreciate your concern, Sandra, and everything you did for us."

Sandra gave Esther a hug. "You're welcome. I just want to see you happy."

Jack had already spoken to Brian earlier and reported to Sandra. "He told me all about how he is going to handle anger in the future – any anger, not just with Esther. He even gave me examples of how he's already been practicing his new skills. I have to admit, I was impressed."

"That _is_ impressive, Jack."

"I also told him if he ever lays a finger on her he'll have to answer to Gerry and me."

"And me, of course."

"Yes. He thanked me for holding him accountable."

Sandra smiled. "I think things are going to work out for them now, don't you?"

He smiled back. "Indeed I do."

The End


End file.
